I was at a wedding today. I had lips tinted with a lipstick I had found on my Mum’s dressing table, my hair
dolled up and left to its own
devices in exasperation, my eyes lined with heavy black kohl in an attempt to
hide the insomniac pupils. And my train of thought focused on my life, the
people I love, the heartbreak I am going through, the fears that crawl onto my
skin every night, that cling onto every essence of my being so that I wake up
shivering at 3 am, desperately longing for comfort. But instead, find just the
bleak darkness eclipsing everything.
I have had a secret to cheer myself up when I feel like my demons are trying to get out. I climb onto the bathroom vanity and stare for hours in my eyes. I ask myself, who am I? A daughter? A sister? A friend? Just a woman to work the chores and cater to a man’s sexual and metabolic appetite? Who am I even?
You know what the brown eyes show? They show countless, multiple, faces of me. They take me on a journey through my past- the girl crying due to a lost doll- a guava tree- a 100 in Math- a departed best friend- a meek midget- a house with the safety railings- the first crush- the separation- a foundation on the brink of collapse – the night of destruction - the rebuilding to continue forever- tears- a drug with a common name- the submersion into the cold reality- more tears- the strength- and the attempt to love and trust again. And you know what do I see next in the reflection? I see someone who is strong, who makes mistakes, who is a bad liar, who is willing to work with you, who is the first one to mend things after a fight, and I know, no matter how many people desert her, I’m there with her, for her. And so I wipe my eyes free of all the residue
dirt, and go out to face another battle, with fresh is not fragile hope.
I am currently found at home, due to the holidays given out as the aftermath of the Peshawar school massacre. In just two months, the University has taught me, helped me grow, and has shown me many new sides to life, and while a reinforced resilience is required, I am fine with it. I am fine with the new drama surfacing everyday, the days when I come home at 7, the empty money bags, the depressing variety of individuals, the bitter pills. Because there is a part of me that says, this too shall pass. It will go on- the story continues to be written, the ball must roll. And with some self-actualization, renewed relationships and a healthy dose of faith, there’s nothing to be sad about.
Marble Bundt Cake
Adapted from here.
3 ½ Cups Cake Flour
2 Cups Sugar
1 Cup Butter (room temperature)
1 Cup Milk
4 Tbsp Cocoa Powder
2 Tsp Vanilla
¼ Tsp Salt
- In a large bowl, with electric mixer at low speed, beat sugar and butter until blended. Then increase speed to high, and beat until light and fluffy.
- Add flour, milk, baking powder, vanilla, salt, and eggs; beat at medium speed until well mixed. Increase speed to high, and beat batter 4 minutes longer.
- Remove about 2 1/2 cups batter
toa medium bowl. With a wire whisk or fork, beat cocoa into batter in medium bowl until well blended.
- Grease a 10 inch tube pan or 24 cm Bundt form. Alternately spoon vanilla and chocolate layers into prepared pan. With a large spoon, cut and twist through batters to obtain marbled effect.
- Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 1 hour, or until a toothpick inserted in the center of the cake comes out clean. Cool cake in pan, and on a wire rack, for 10 minutes. Remove cake from pan, and cool completely.