I am wholly sure that I am a diverter of all things, big or small. In some ways, I'm still like that six year old who had to be hugged to oblivion who didn't understand when her teacher explained what she wanted the class to bring for school projects. Though I like to boast that I have entirely reformed from those unruly days but yet that would be a bit far fetched. I put on a face that reflects the attitude of the common teenager (the attitude I'm sure has you adults out there massaging their foreheads), but behind the facade, I ambiguously push things/issues/worries to the back of my mind, where they lie, poking and prodding, allied to how children nudge each other at the lines at the school cafeteria, in desperate efforts to be served first. So the big question, that always varies with a more monsterous veneer, ends up unanswered for ages until it looms over my head like a dark grey cloud, about to strike lightening. Quite a picture I've painted, eh?

     My tendency of self torture and the habitual dissatisfaction with involving others has only seemed to feed this pattern. I value others, probably a lot of people, but then I always end up disappointed and it only proves the point that I am right in the assumptions that they would never think on the same page as me.

  Now before you think all this psychological nonsense is leading to nowhere, it actually is.

    The struggle of finding your calling and the constant critique of your abilities seems to have a big impact on the individual's persona. Not everyone knows themselves and their likes and dislikes transparently and certainly not everyone has the penchant for the right decisions. So this fea
r of the unknown the fear of making the wrong decisions, binds me from setting anything in stone. It cripples me, heaving itself with every single breath of mine, trying to make it's alarming presence known as I try to breathe into a paper bag. But sometimes you just can't shake off the nightmare.


      Maybe it is owing to the fact that I'm no longer a free adolescent. When I was young and longed for adulthood, I saw a famous singer in an interview on a children's show remarking that he knew that we all want to grow up, but he's grown up and he wants to go back to his childhood. The irony of the statement was lost on me until several years later. Why did I ever want to grow up?

This fall, just in a matter of time, I'll be going to 'the' university I've yet to start the admission process for. And this process involves almost two months of preparatory classes and filling out dreadful forms. But as I see it now, whatever institute I go to, it won't be my destination. It would just be a major stepping stone in my path, maybe a means to achieving the disclosure to my 'voice'. As naive as I am, I will have to account for the socio-economical barriers in my way, living in the realms of one of the lesser privileged countries.

   Now a home remedy to perfectly hush away Johnny Panic is the cake presented visually. Now it would be quite humorous to some that I'm claiming a cake can take away my worries, but it is the process behind it. All the whisking, stirring, hand burning is worth the momentary self satisfaction we all long for in our lives. Afterall stressed spelled backwards is desserts. And you should know a cake is that good if it makes me leave the confines of my bed at night and run barefooted down the stairs, just to sneak away a piece and pray for body fat not to torture me this summer.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Cake

Adapted from Weelicious.com


1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/4 cup white sugar
1 large eggs, whisked
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/2 cup all purpose flour
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup semi sweet chocolate chips

1. Preheat oven to 375 F.
  1. 2. Cream the butter and sugar in a standing mixer (or in a bowl using a hand mixer) for 4-5 minutes until light and fluffy.
  2. 3. Add the egg and vanilla extract and mix for 1 minute.
  3. 4. Combine the white flour, whole wheat flour, baking soda and salt in a bowl and slowly incorporate into the butter and egg mixture.
  4. 5. Mix until combined then pour in the chocolate chips and stir.
  5. 6. Press the dough into a greased heat shaped pie pan.
  6. 7. Bake for 20 minutes, or until golden brown.


  1. As-Salaamu Alaykum,
    Love your new blog look.
    Great post and i can relate to your baking therapy, i never went to uni what are you planning to major in?
    Barak Allahu fiki

    1. Something design or literature related. That's as far as I know :P
      Wasalaam x

  2. Assalamu alaikum Aiza... that's quite a change from your old format... the feeling of growing up is not so easy, I can understand... being in early 30s, I already feel the pressure, hehe... this cake is calling my name, looks really good...

    1. I assure you my old format hasn't gone anywhere ;)

  3. The cookie cake looks fabulous!
    It's funny how cooking/baking can be a stress reliever. Last summer I had to fly back home to my mom because she was having open-heart surgery. Cooking her recipes at the time were a way for me to unwind and focus. Good luck in the application process! InshAllah all will be well :)

    1. Thank you for relating your story :)

  4. This looks great! Will have to definitely try baking this soon-ish :) And best of luck with your journey. I'm rooting for you!


Leave a comment, I love to hear from you ♥